We Made Goldfish Pizza Rolls

(Mike exclaims) (men laughing) (upbeat music) – What up, it's your boy, Josh AKA, the pepperoni pirate, AKA, the snack that smiles back, AKA, Totino's Totino's hot pizza rolls

And it's that time again Time to take two iconic snacks, smash them together, and see if we can create a beautiful snack baby Now we asked you what two snacks you wanted to see smashed together and you said– – Goldfish and pizza rolls – Will this new snack be a smash? Find out, 'cause this is Snack Smash We're gonna make a dough

I want it to kind of be a hybrid of this toasted ravioli-y texture of the pizza roll and also have some of that like Goldfish crackeriness in it So my idea is to make a semi-leavened dough a kin to a rough puff You familiar with rough puff? – Oh yeah, the boxer – Yeah (laughs) Ruff Puff McGillicutty

He almost knocked out Sleepy Jones Johnson – Yeah – I am most excited to spend time with my friend Mike for today – I love to get together with Josh and just goof around – Mike, I guess we gotta start making these pizza rolls

Do you know how to do it? – Do I know how to make them in like, the fundamentalist, traditional way? – Are you a pizza roll fundamentalist? – It's always a riot when we get to cook together There's always like the oven version and the microwave version – The problem with pizza roll fundamentalism in America, welcome to my Ted Talk I am a hardcore pizza roll microwaver – No, that's chump change, dude

– I believe should essentially just be a grease sponge – If you wanna have the real pizza roll experience, you gots to bake them in the oven – So we're gonna dump in– I'm gonna get about two cups in there Yeah, I'm gonna call that two cups And pour in two cups of flour in there

And while you're doing that, I'm gonna crack three eggs into this 'Cause I said we're trying to get like a pasta texture, because Totino's pizza rolls are toasted ravioli, by definition Now you're gonna add– I wanna reinforce– What was that, what is it called, "Stomp"? "Stomp" I believe was a Broadway musical where street teens used garbage buckets as drums, right? Is that correct? – And then there's the Blue Man Group that had like– – Yeah, that's what the Blue Man Group did – The Blue Man Group is a spin off show of "Stomp" Might be the other way around, actually

– The Blue Man Group, it is a triumvirate of sorts of men trying to raise awareness about male pattern baldness They do it by painting themselves blue And then, I don't know, spraying an audience with slime Okay, so you're gonna add about a quarter cup of oil We're winging it, we're gonna see what kind of texture we end up with

I'ma put a little bit of orange food dye in there just for the fudge of it I think the dynamic that Mike and I have, it's kind of like a mentor and mentee, but no one really knows who the mentor and mentee is, which I guess that means you're not really learning anything from each other and you're just a bunch of slap dorks slap dorking around with each other So we're adding it to the blender, 'cause we wanna try and really get the cheese– What are these? The cheese fish They should be called cheese fish – And why are they called Goldfish, is it just 'cause they're the color of goldfish? The thing that I love about Goldfish crackers is that you can eat a never ended amount of them but never get full and never get sick of them

– I don't like that the snack smiles back at you You know what I don't get, Ryan, Charlie, The Starkist Tuna, he's all happy It's one thing where Goldfish smile back, because they're not like a real animal, but Charlie, the smiling tuna, that's trying to get you to eat more tuna, what a freaking sale out to the tuna race Now what you're gonna do for that, is you put the lid on it and you just kind of shake it – You barely shook it

– I got it in there And then you're also gonna put that in there (Mike exclaims) I forgot to whisk the other thing and that's water I like to go wetter on my pasta doughs rather than drier That way it's wet

– I knew that about you – I'm gonna dump out this and then we're gonna make a well It looks like there's way too much liquid for the flour right now, so maybe start with about half of it Man, you really frothed up those eggs – You told me to, bro

You know I've– Uh oh! – How long were you beating those? – No, no, Mike! – Okay, I thought maybe I could hide it from you for some reason – So the key to pasta making is you make a well in the center and then you build up the– – [Mike] Can I dam it? – Hey, Mike, get in here Just start mashing it – I thought I was dry hand – What? – Wet hand, dry hand is an experimental punk band that Josh and I started before quarantine

I play guitar above water, and he plays guitar under water – You're the dry guy – You whispered and you told me I would always be dry hand, and I took it literally – You'll always be my dry guy So the key is we need to get– Hey, we should combine them actually

– Just grab what you want, man Do whatever you want, look at you – Chefs need to take control in the kitchen, you know? But also not – Josh has a unique instructional style where he can at the same time know everything about a topic, but give you zero useful information about that topic in order to help you – So now we're just gonna take this, we're gonna wrap it up, we're gonna get it in the fridge, it's gonna hydrate, and then– Just like Sleepy Jones Johnson versus the thing that we said earlier

– Riff Ruff McGavin Oh, Rough Puff Stallion (Josh blabbers) From Cincinnati to San Diego, the world can hardly believe – I'm gonna put this in the fridge – Let's do it

– So we're gonna make the filling, and I thought when we were doing this initially, I was like, oh, there must be like a robust, rustic tomato sauce inside the Totino's pizza rolls, and then I looked at the ingredients, and check out this tomato sauce we're gonna make – Wait, wait, wait, I have the perfect knife for that (Josh laughs) Just use this one, man Why mess up your good knife? The knife that I left myself, you might say, came from an estate sale – Like a week ago when Mike found out that we were gonna do this together, he goes, Josh, I hid a knife in your kitchen

And I go, Mike, that seems like a safety concern for me – Outside the sale there was a family huddled around a fire and they just had lots of like old knives and crystal balls and stuff – And he goes, no, no, don't worry, you're never gonna find where the knife is in the kitchen And I was like, Mike, this is unnerving And I forgot about that until Mike pulled out– – Where'd it go? – What is that called? – When I asked the guy about it, he's like, yeah, I've been waiting for you to come buy this knife

How much of this do we need? – Whole tube – The whole tube? Why'd we even open it? – To make the filling, we're gonna chop pepperoni into tiny bits, we're gonna chop sharp white cheddar cheese into tiny bits, and then we're just gonna mix that with tomato paste, salt, and water just like Totino's does it We want it pretty pasty, 'cause we're gonna get a lot of moisture releasing from the cheese – Yeah – Gonna add a little bit of water to that

– I often have a lot of moisture releasing because of cheese – I eat a lot of cheese I end up with just a quarter cup of water in my pants at the end of the day – Why is the knife bumpy at the top? Is that to make it seem like someone worked hard? – That's actually a real feature of what's called a santoku blade, this is technically a kiri knife But what it does, say you're cutting a potato with a normal knife that doesn't have the bumps – Oh, it won't stick to it

– Yeah, creates little air pockets – [Mike] That's brilliant – But this is a lovely little design, so you're gonna use that cut the cheese Anyone who has ever microwaved pizza rolls knows that the cheese comes in little tiny cubes, you only know that because every time you microwave pizza rolls, it doesn't cook about half of them, and they're still icy in the middle, but you never put them back in the microwave So if you look at like a frozen Totino's pizza roll– – There's like little cheese cubes

They're like the size of the marshmallows that are in like– – So if you look inside, you see like little cheese cubes and little pepperoni cubes in there So that's what we're trying to achieve Mike uses a knife like he would use a large saw, which I kind of respect (Mike grunts) There you go, Mike, grunt into it I would never just manhandle fists of cheese and like slam a blade through it, but Mike did it with a surprising amount of deafness

You're doing pretty good – Once I got my batons and I go into columns, you know I'm a column man – [Josh] That is some excellent– – I'm a column kitten – Knife work – Thank you

– Did you say you're a column kitten? (Mike meows) So we're just gonna put the cheese in here Actually we got the filling made, so now we're gonna roll out the dough, then we're gonna fill that, and then we're gonna cut the Goldfish, then we're gonna bake it, then we're gonna fry it, then we're gonna garnish it, then we're gonna eat it – Okay – And I can't stop eating this cheese – I know, it's snack size

– We're here for a while Hey, Mike, its smells like up dog in here – That's just because you've been farting – I did just whisper that to him – Some people would say that Josh has been farting all day

– Any time you guys hear me cough anywhere on set, it's not a real cough – I'd be one of those people – So I'm gonna cut this into two rounds, 'cause we're essentially gonna do this ravioli style You've made ravioli – Yeah

– All the time This guy No one loves ravioli like this guy loves ravioli – It's one of my favorite forms of music, man I love making ravioli

– What? – Ravioli music is kind of a cross between reggae and like Italian folk music ♪ Oh, mozzarella ♪ Like that – So what we're gonna do is we're gonna try and roll this out into large, circular discs We're gonna do it simultaneously, what we're looking for is a– – [Mike] I know we are It's kind of like a rumble going on

– That's thing about the cooking show is you gotta just kind of narrate if you run out of things to talk about, 'cause we don't have much in common, right? You just gotta like say what you're doing – Like, right now I'm thinking about how you just betrayed me as a friend Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? – How did I betray you as a friend? – 'Cause you said that we have nothing in common – No, we have things in common – We do, we both like farting silently and covering it up with coughs

– We love covering up our silent farts with coughs, and that's what more friendships are based off (Mike coughs) Yeah, you wanna go like doubly thin – Doubly thin? – Doubly thin there, Mike – Pip pop, pip pop – It's like Ruff Puff McGillicutty got Sleepy Jones Johnson

– Wait, maybe that's their name on the wall – Dude The new names of the fighting sandwich and hotdog are Ruff Puff McGillicutty and Sleepy Jones Johnson They are two fictional 1940s boxers All right, Mike, I'm pretty satisfied with this

Where we at size-wise? That was nice I always like to take my dough– (Mike exclaims) (men laughing) – So are we throwing this for a reason or just– – No, you were never supposed to throw it So put it down See where you're at size-wise – It's part of the pizza process

– This looks pretty cool now Okay, so we're gonna egg wash this whole surface Yeah, dude, that's great – I got a great egg brushing technique – Are you okay? – But you gotta kind of make a sound like a Bruce Lee like boop, boop, boop, boop

Whoop, whoop – He was in there just like swishing and swashing like Jackson Pollock – Whoop, whoop, boop, boop – Mike, nothing but respect for your technique All right, so we wanna make these little submarines

And so we're gonna add like a nice dollop of filling right there Could like kind of measure of it, but I don't really want to – I hate measuring too I never measure anything – Dude, me neither, that's way they say, measure none, cut once

– That's what I always say, I cut three times, measure zero times – Cooking is about instinct, it's not about measurements Cooking is about love – So we're gonna put this down? – [Josh] Yeah – Wait, that was the egg side down

Oh, you want that I can't keep up, man – Yeah, of course Dude, just do what I'm doing Just try to mimic me like a child driving in the car, you know, just kind of making that motion on the side? Yeah, yeah

So you're gonna pat all these out Now let's see how these cut out I think we should be fine Here – And then we're gonna give them a little pincharoo

– You know, I think it should be enough to pinch them shut – Oh yeah, whoa! I thought the most difficult thing about making the actually rolls was keeping the fish stuck together on the outside – Yeah, we're getting a little bit of cheese seepage, but this should be good – We put so much flavor in them they can hardly contain themselves – [Josh] Just like lick your fingers and pinch it

– You can't lick your fingers anymore – You can't lick your fingers anymore? Even KFC's changing their– It used to be KFC finger licking good – Now it's mask licking good – Mask licking good The toughest thing was me and Mike were just laughing and goofing off half the time

Mask licking good Sorry, everybody That should've taken half the time Check this out Now mix that together

So we're gonna top this with just a little bit of parsley and Parmesan, just for a little bit of color, and then we're gonna bake these at 350 degrees for only seven minutes, just to par-bake them, just to set them, and then we're gonna actually drop them in the fryer and that's gonna give them that crispy cracker texture Give it a little like– – A cha, cha, cha, cha, cha – A cha, cha And then we're gonna pop these in the oven (Mike exclaims) Hey Mike, follow me to the oven, follow me to the oven

Keep going, you want more emotion on it Yeah, get some more, just toss it Don't get it on the bottom, it's gonna burn Now we're just gonna bake that for seven minutes then we're gonna– And then they're gonna be Goldfish All right, so Mike, I'm just gonna go ahead and grab these Goldfish pizza rolls outta the oven, and look at them! – Oh, cheesy

– Our little submarines have become bloated little tasty treats I don't wanna fry it fully, because I think it's gonna hold its shape better if we bake it to set it first Line them up on my arm, and then I'm gonna just shoop them in there And then we're gonna try and crisp it up in the fryer to give it that perfect hybrid Totino's toasted ravioli texture and the Goldfish cracker texture That feels good, it's like a hot stone massage

– Right now the thing I'm most worried about with the snacks is that they're gonna all break open in the frying process – We didn't crimp them as good as we could've Some of these are opening a little bit But like, pizza rolls, they always open They always open in the microwave and so I think it's gonna be fine

– [Mike] These two are done, I think, they're floating – They're floating up – Uh oh – Okay, some of them are opening a little bit more than I thought they would – I think it's cool

Like their tails kind of flared out and it's made like a different type of fish – And we were intending on doing that So now they're nice and crispy, you see, they even look like Goldfish – None of their guts came flying out – None of the guts came out, and you know why? 'Cause it's just tomato paste

– 'Cause of our crimping – And our crimping – I'm pretty optimistic this is gonna be a smash I like both of these snacks very much, and I think that they pair beautiful – Grab a scalpel, we need to put a smile on that face

I'm gonna put a smile on– I don't know how to do it So I guess I'm just gonna cut like a little– Was that worth it? – [Mike] That's a frown – Yeah, fish are pretty made that they've been dead – [Mike] Why is it frowning? – I don't know Mike, cut a smile in them

That looks good Look at this one This is more of just an expression of neutrality This is like, I am a fish and I accept this – It's like an indifferent fish

– An indifferent fish The snack that is indifferent towards you – Indifferent Fish was my Phish cover band in high school – You guys just sang it all with no enthusiasm, you're just indifferent about their music? – We just didn't bother their jam, we just stuck to the song (Josh laughs) – I think it's gonna come out really great

I think there's a chance that the cheesiness of the Goldfish steps on the pizzaness of the Totino's, but I don't think that is a very big chance These are two delicious snacks, I think it's gonna be really delicious Mike, we got the snack that smiles back, albeit a little bit indifferently, but a snack isn't a snack without the box – Let's– – Let's see that box (upbeat music) Mike, we did it

– We did do it – You and I, we put in an equal amount of work and we did the Goldfish pizza rolls First impression, they look pretty incredible to me – Yeah, they really look like Goldfish – The dough is nice and kind of pliable, but it's got a little bit of crispiness on it

I'm really excited, I'm proud of our work I'm excited to taste it Are you excited to taste it? – Yeah, I'm getting a little pepperoni smell too, actually – Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and– – Ranch up? – You want some ranch? – Yeah, ranch me – Yeah, yeah, yeah

I always eat pizza rolls with ranch, and I really soak them in it Sometimes I just do it like a bowl of cereal – I don't have a response for that – All right, let's get it Oh, that's a lot of ranch

Well, we're doing it Okay, Mike, hold your judgment, hold your judgment You and I have to decide if this snack passes or smashes You ready? We're gonna do the old three, two, one Three, two, one

This is a smash, right? This is a smash – Yeah – There was some hesitancy in my mind where I was like, is the Goldfish flavor going to distract from the pizza roll? Is that flavor-blasted cheddar flavor gonna distract from pizza roll, a snack that I love? It doesn't, man – I think it's kind of nice, 'cause the tail of the fish is like the crust of the pizza And I find myself eating it that way, where like I eat it from the tail

– I could eat so many of these This is like a really incredible thing, and honestly a product that I could see Totino's and Pepperidge Farms is Goldfish, right? – Totino's Farms – That's where I wanna go when I die Mike, thank you so much for bumping yummies with me today I had a lovely time

And thank you so much for stopping by the Mythical Kitchen We got new recipes for you every week We got new episodes of A Hotdog is a Sandwich, our podcast out every Wednesday Hit us up on Instagram @MythicalKitchen with pictures of your food under #dreamsbecomefood We'll see you next time

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