Our Quarantine Vacation Mishaps

Welcome to Ear Biscuits, the podcast where two lifelong friends talk about life for a long time Well, I mean, not that long

You know, about an hour Just long enough That's a long time for an ant Who are you? I'm Rhett There you go, so you forgot that part, you did screw it up

No, you interrupted me I didn't You said I could tell in your eyes you weren't gonna say your name You said not that long of a time What's your name? I interjected What if it was a custom, like a cultural custom in America that you could only say your name when asked? Like a vampire can only enter when invited? Yes, I feel like that would be a good societal rule, because instead of people coming in with like, I'm Rhett, it's be like, I only wanna know your name if I ask it What's your name? And I'm Link

This week at the round table at not as dim of lighting because we're still in the alternative creative house location Maybe permanently, I don't know We are discussing, we're bathing in the aftermath of our separate, but equal vacations Separate but equal vacations Potentially identical vacations

I know we both went to beaches, we both endeavored to surf Uh-huh, we both took our families We both took our families, we both came back with one less family member Oh, that's a tease No, I took a head count before and I took a head count

What if that was the case? I always take a head count Oh crap, you're right I left Shepard

I'm like a chaperone, count heads on the plane Well I have an extra family member right now, 'cause we have Locke, as friend who's been living with us, I don't even know how long it's been now So I know what it's like to have three kids I've had three kids for two months Is he pulling his weight? He does more than both of my children combined

Great He's very helpful Like what, like chores? I'm thinking about hiring him So he does chores? He just is a more conscientious person than my kids, and maybe it might be because You're trying him out for a trade When you're yeah, can you do that? Sure When you are at, now this is what I've been told, because I, a lot of times, I have parents who I have parents too

Who come to me and they're like, you know, Locke is so conscientious, or he's really helpful, and he's so polite, and he's a great conversationalist, and he offered to help with this, and he said thank you And I'm like, well, he didn't do that at home? He's a jerk at home I talked to, I'm not gonna mention any names, but I talked to one of my children, who happens to be one of the oldest one Who happens to be one of the oldest, or the oldest one I kinda feel like maybe I didn't center this shot

Is there more of me in it? I feel like there's more of, I'm closer to the center And I didn't do that on purpose That's not good I mean, 'cause I feel like It's fine You know what? Just go with it You've got a little bit of, I've got like a full six inches off my shoulder I'm gonna do a little adjustment, just keep going

No, I can do it Oh yeah, you're closer, see Wrong way How's this? Too much, that's too much of you I think this is pretty good

That's way too much of you I think that's it, I think that's centered Yeah, spoken like a semi narcissist Okay, stop How is that? Oh, that's nice, oh, see it gets a bit of the skin wall in there

That's the ticket Oh, a little peek at the skin wall You get a peek of the skin wall, that's how you know you're centered We have the discussions, I want you to treat me like you would treat your friends like at least at that level I'm not asking for the respect of a parent all the time, I'm just asking for the respect you would give any other human being

Wow, just a minimum Yeah Of respect Yeah, it's like, what I say is, I hope you don't treat your friends this way Oh, I get that

I don't want to talk about this anymore, because I'll get in trouble, I'll get more of it Yeah, so we had our vacations, we came back with more tan Yeah, yeah, we did I mean, you're talking about the skin walls, I mean I'm looking at my skin wall People have been noticing that you have been getting closer to matching my skin wall, which incidentally, we didn't plan this, because we didn't know we were gonna record Ear Biscuits in here, but we should've done the skin walls on opposite sides

Because now you sit in front of my skin wall, which is, you know, to the naked eye, it's the same as your skin wall If you're just in here looking at em side by side, you'll be like, well that's the same color One is Lakehouse, and one is, what's yours? It's a guy's name Chadwick Brown Chadwick Brown

I don't know why I remember that It just came back to you? It came to me, man That's Chadwick Brown, that's Lakehouse, but you're looking pretty Lakehouse, I'm looking pretty Chadwick Brown And I, you know what, I'm rejuvenated and baked Yeah

Well, I mean, I'm sun baked Well, interestingly, so we usually go on vacations at the same time, because, you know, our lives are in sync in a lot of ways, and if you go on vacation at a different time when I go on vacation, and then that means well now I gotta go on vacation when you're not on vacation, and that's two weeks of us not being together Who knows what could happen in those two weeks? One might think that we should stagger our vacations in order to like, 'cause there's a whole, other stuff that we give input on, it's not just being on camera together to like run a company Correct But we just do that remotely

And we have very trusted people who can handle it for a week Yeah Which is great Maybe they can handle it for more Maybe we just, what if the default is vacation? I like where this is going

I mean, let's face it, what we're doing right now is still another form of vacation It is We're just, you know, we're in a house No, this is work, man Look

We're working so hard, you've got your Admiral hat on I got a new hat, that's one of the things I brought back, I didn't bring back another child, I already had one, but I did bring back a captain's, you call it Admiral's hat? I like that On a scale of one to 10, just to get into this, how would you rate your vacation and then dive in, man? I got a lot I need to report on I got a story Oh, I got stories

I got angry Oh To me, I'll let you rate first, but when I rate my vacation, there's a corollary to how many times I got angry, either at other people or myself, or just kinda lost my cool, or my peace Oh man That happened once, so I had a pretty good vacation, if I can only say that happened once

Well, okay, so on a scale of one to 10 I'll tell you about it And I'm gonna say that an eight is like what you bring in, like the expectations that you bring in to a vacation

Yeah, you don't expect a perfect You know some things are gonna go wrong, but you're kinda hoping, you're usually hoping for about an eight, like this is gonna be better than my normal life, right? 'Cause it's a vacation And then in like nine and 10, that would be like, I don't know if that's ever happened, right? Four

Oh gosh I mean, you had a brightness in your eyes, I wouldn't have asked the question I mean I thought I was lobbying you something to knock outta the park, man No, man You freaking had a four? I had a four

That's not, I mean it could've been, I had a seven Oh, well look, it's not a competition I'm sorry I mean we should talk about the COVID of it all before we get into vacation too much, 'cause it's That could've attributed to it We had planned vacations I mean, I was going to freaking Disney World with my extended family, and the first few weeks of quarantine, of course that got obliterated And then I was gonna go home for July fourth and see the rest of my family, that got obliterated, I was gonna go up to Santa Cruz, I had booked a place up there, that was earlier on in quarantine, that got obliterated, and then it got to a point where it's like, I'm just not, we're at home, we're gonna be at home, I'm gonna go into the office the minimum amount of time with the minimum amount of people and be absolutely as safe as possible

We don't go out and do anything, and when we do, we're doing the mask thing, I mean all of that is still in full effect Yeah, you're basically just staying at home, but just a different home So yeah, we did like an AirBnB at the beach, with like their cleaning certification, and then we just hunkered down there And we went South, and I mean LA, at least right now, it's one of the hotspots, so technically, technically, leaving LA and hunkering down somewhere else, I mean, you're a little bit lower risk, this is a hotspot, man But we are high risk going into that place, so for the sake of everybody else, I'd still

But we're not, because we've been isolated here Now, okay So it's like just being at home, at the house that we rented, wearing a mask all the way to the beach, to where we set up a spot that is then well distanced beyond six feet from everybody else And then getting in the water just with my family That was the game plan, that's what happened

A lot of my experience the entire time was man, this would be really awesome if we weren't in a global pandemic Like that's kinda like, oh, that restaurant would be cool to go into That store would be cool to go into This would be an awesome place to be, but there's this, you feel, you're conscious of the fact that there's a pandemic going on, and so you never are super relaxed until you're like seated on the beach Right

The process of getting to the beach, you're just kind of thinking about things that you typically don't think about, and so, that contributed to it, not being as good of a vacation as vacations used to be before COVID, but the main thing that happened to me Yeah, that can bring you to a four, because just being, I mean, we're blessed to be able to go on a vacation Yeah, yeah

And we know that But the thing is is that I have a problem, I've talked about it before, and I think this is pretty common People you tie expectations to things, whether it's a vacation, a project, whatever, but vacations are the things that most people tie a certain level of expectation to, and you think about it and you fool yourself into thinking that like, oh, but when I go on vacation, that's gonna be a great week Like, oh, that vacation week at the beach, man, that's gonna be good 'Cause that's the point of it

And then I started thinking things like well, what am I gonna do on the vacation, 'cause I wanna make sure that I'm doing the vacation well, right? And so then my sort of expectation was, and first of all, I'm a lot more aware of this than I was, say 10, 20 years ago, where I unconsciously went into situations with all these expectations and then I was disappointed At least I had gotten to a point where I know the way my mind works is you have these expectations, you need to set low expectations, you need to go with the flow, but I just find myself getting to the place where I've still got the expectations, and the expectations of this vacation were I want to actually get a lot of surf time in, right? I wanna surf, but I also wanna get my kids surfing, pretty much for the first time, locking down a little bit earlier in the summer And, me and you stand up paddleboard, surf, and I've had this secret hope to be able to You don't believe that counts To regular well, the thing is is that there's lots of places in the world that if you go and you didn't bring your big ass paddleboard with you, you don't have an option to surf, and then there's also a lot of really cool breaks where you're not really supposed to be, you're not even allowed to be on a stand-up paddleboard in some places

So I was just like, I would just like to have that in my arsenal of abilities, the ability to like surf, and I'm not talking about like hang ten, or catch big, I'm talking like old man on a long board, like just the bare minimum, catching the wave I get that, you want the versatility So I was like, okay, San Diego, it's an easier surf town, we were on various beaches between LA and San Diego, but we were closer to San Diego, and it's just easier to surf down there, it's less territorial, there's more places to surf, there's less people, whatever So I was super excited about that, and we were like walking distance from a place that was like a good place to learn And I took my long board that I bought this year down there

And day one, I go out, and it's frustrating, it's frustrating when you know that you could be already standing up on a paddleboard and surfing Yep But you're sitting there, trying to stand up, and like not balancing, falling off the board Yeah, it kinda reminds me when we decided to start snow skiing even though we were both pretty decent at snowboarding Exactly, like I know how to do this

You have to invest like a whole ski trip just to learn how to do something when you could be enjoying it doing the thing you already know how to do Right So, day one was pretty frustrating There were a couple of moments of hope And the reason you ski is 'cause as you get older, it's like it's better on your

Well, it's harder on your knees, easier on your back, for me That's why I transitioned to skiing It's not good on the pelvis

And that's why I transitioned to stand up paddle boarding 'cause it's easier on the back for me Case in point, day two, I go out, and I don't know exactly what is going on, but one of the things that has always happened to me, it used to happen before I would go on a vacation, or before there was a significant transition, or in the midst of a transition I would have my lower back act up and basically Your back would go out Go back to what I call my ground zero injury, which is related to my herniated disc, it's in a very specific spot in the left side of my spine and then, you know, 10 years ago, when this would happen, even five years ago, when this would happen, I would be out, I would be in pain for months when this happened Now I've gotten to a place where I can experience that injury and then a few days later I'm pretty functional or whatever and now, a week later, as I'm about to tell you, I did hurt my back But, the second day, I wake up, and first of all, the X factor of any vacation is the bed, right? What is this bed gonna be like in this AirBnB? When you got a bad back, you're very sensitive to beds in general and the softer the bed, the worse it is on your back That's the case for a lot of people with back problems

I was like, man, this bed is unnecessarily soft I love a soft bed, my bed was too hard We should've swapped I almost slept on the floor for most of the time, but I didn't, there was a mattress topper, I took that off after the second night, but got up that second day and was like, man, my back is tight, but I did all my stuff that I do to loosen up Locke and I go down to the beach and second wave standing up, and I feel like oh, there it is, oh no, oh no, oh no, and it's like a sharp pain, but then I'm like, okay, but no, I'm in better shape, let me just go in, I'm gonna do some stretches on the beach, like an old man

So you rode two waves, and the second one Well, I didn't ride the wave, I was in the process of standing up when it went out on me And then you fell over And then I swim in to the beach, I get on the beach, I do my stuff, and then it hits me very, very squarely and clearly, you're not going back out today And so, I like wave at Locke and I'm like I gotta go in

He was like, okay, and he stays out there by himself I walk back to the house, carrying my board, which is not feeling great, because I gotta walk like a quarter mile or so with this board, my back is hurting 'Cause standing up on a it's an explosive act Yeah To go from paddling on your chest to like standing up on a board I was trying to show Lincoln how to do that 'cause there were foam boards that happened to be at the place we stayed, 'cause I don't own any of those, 'cause, I didn't wanna make that transition, but I'm like, hey, it's here, and I'm showing him on the beach how to stand up, and it's explosive, and there's twisting involved too You're supposed to be turning your hips

I don't know, I can imagine that it can really Well, but here's the thing Wring your back And you know, I was talking about this in therapy because Physical therapy? I do, I don't wanna get into too much woo, and I don't know exactly what I think about this, but I do know that there's a connection to emotional sort of pain and stress that manifests itself physically in ways that we don't quite understand Okay This has just been proven many, many times Like, I told you, every time I get ready to go on vacation or I'm in the midst of a vacation, there are many years where my back would, I could just feel it tensing up, right? 'Cause it's like the act of relaxing, and it's very difficult for me to relax on vacation I'll talk about a little bit more lately, later

And so I think the act of trying to relax a little bit, plus the bed, plus the act of doing something, I don't know exactly what the pie chart is that contributed to it, but it was the perfect storm But all that to say I was immediately deflated, right? And it felt like, 'cause I was like Can't surf the rest of the week

I was like am I gonna be able to surf paddle board at all? I'm not gonna be able to surf at all for the rest of the week, and this is, a very privileged problem, but also I was upset because the AirBnB, which came with a hot tub, the hot tub wasn't working and they were like, we can't fix it while you're there Because the manufacturer said it's broken, it has to be replaced or something So I was like, oh, I hurt my back and I also can't get into the hot tub to make myself feel better Wah, wah! So that's a four, you plummeted Yeah, and I was like

Or is that lower than a four? No, well, okay, so when it happened to me, as I was walking back to the house thinking about the fact that my expectations had been thwarted, I was like, of course this is what has happened, right? Because What do you mean? 'Cause you think you deserve it? You deserve to be punished? No, no, it's not about being deserving, it's just like this is the perfect gift from the universe for someone who is bringing this level of expectations If what you really want to learn how to do is to accept things, to go with the flow, to not have all of these expectations tied up in your experiences, but to let things happen to you, to let things come to you, 'cause even when I'm out there surfing, it's very difficult for me to have fun, because I'm focused on doing it well, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, you gotta get up and you gotta catch this wave, it's like I approach it like an athletic event versus like an enjoyable thing 'cause there's this part of me that's just like, you gotta get good enough at this before you can enjoy it

If you get good enough at it, then you can actually sit back and reap the benefits of the joy that comes from it So long story short is my back got better enough to stand up paddle board, the very last day, I had a really good surfing day, caught a bunch of waves, it kinda redeemed the experience, but the fact that my expectations were kinda ripped apart, I didn't learn how to do regular surfing, I wasn't able to surf, even on a paddle board for two days after I hurt my back It was almost like the vacation was a lesson And lessons aren't fun, so it wasn't like, oh, I'm having an incredible time doing the thing that I thought I was gonna do, I'm really just kinda sitting here wishing that I was doing the thing that I thought I was gonna do It's interesting you say lessons aren't fun, but do you think that you would have enjoyed your vacation more if you didn't see it as a lesson, that you just said, oh, I have an injury, now I gotta pivot to just watching Netflix the whole time I'm here? Well, I'll talk about that later

'Cause that is what I did, and that created another sort of weird emotional experience to it Okay, dang, man I'm very in touch with myself But seeing it as a lesson, you said lessons aren't fun, but I actually think that this mindset of accepting what happened to you as something to learn from, didn't that help redeem it a little bit? Yeah, yeah, it did, but it wasn't It wasn't fun in a recreational sense, but it was valuable It's like the process, I was reading this book where the woman was talking about the process of sort of transformation that takes place in people who are trying to change and the process of change, she uses the analogy of like leather, you know? Tanning a hide Okay And like, you know, at first it's just really hard, it's not pliable at all, it's like a big potato chip

It's like raw hide, like what you would give your dog to eat But the process of tanning and stretching and hanging it up, I don't know what happens to leather, but eventually it becomes nice and supple but if you imagine yourself as this hide, going through that process, you're being stretched and you're in the sun, it's not fun, but you're becoming what you're supposed to be becoming, and I know that's not what they, again, that's not what they A seat for a cowboy's crotch

That's not what vacation is, vacation is traditionally like a break from the norm, it's a time to relax, it's a time to, when you live, yeah, we have an incredible job, we're living the dream, but it's very busy and there's constantly things we have to engage with Trying to disengage, which is difficult for me, for me it was just that lesson of not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you actually needed I'm just saying, when you asked that question, on a scale of one to 10, I'm thinking the enjoyment factor, maybe the long term value of it, it's a 10, versus if I had gone down there and learned how to surf and it was awesome it would've been a one in the long term value But once the injury happened, seeing it through the lens of how can I grow here, it helps Redeemed it

I mean It redeemed it, but the lesson wasn't enjoyable Okay

'Cause everyday I was like, man, I wish I was surfing right now and thinking that oh, even when I do surf, I'm gonna have to be on the stand up paddle board, I already know how to do that, that's no fun, you know what I'm saying? That's how I was thinking about it Ironically that's when it should be fun, 'cause that's what you said earlier Right That when you know how to Well if it makes you feel any better, I also suffered an injury Oh, good Yeah, I really did You know, I tried to psych myself up to low expectations, I was like

Psych yourself up for low expectations Yeah, for the same reason, because I always have an idea of what the perfect anything is, and so there's this standard that I'm constantly trying to meet, and bring my family along to meet that same standard, so I was just telling myself Which severely complicates it, when other people, you're expecting other people, it's even worse You know what? This is very limited, we can't go out, we can't make a lot of plans, 'cause we're either gonna be at home, we're gonna order takeout, and we're gonna go to the beach, and I'm not gonna put any timetable, or we're not gonna make any big plans that require being anywhere at a certain time, or anything like that, and it was the most laid back vacation I've ever been on for that reason I didn't even make the kids get up at a certain time, oh, we gotta get on the beach, we gotta get parking space, or we're gonna be so far away I'm gonna have to tote everything for everybody, I'm gonna have to make two trips, three trips, all the stuff I get worked up about You know, it wasn't an issue, there was parking

Yeah So it was definitely the most laid back vacation, I think, and having those lower expectations really helped bring me to what I said, a seven, but I did have an injury I mean, I was like, I'm gonna eat all the foods I wanna eat, I'm gonna bring my Ben and Jerry's, like Christy's got this Ben and Jerry's stash, man Even before we got to the beach, like we brought a cooler to make sure we had it So like, of course we're watching some Survivor, once the Neals start, the Neals don't stop

Right, still on Survivor Like season after season after season, back to back, we're just watching it, 'cause, I told you, you should've started earlier and watched em all, but no, you're the McLaughlin And I'm gonna tell you about that

You do it different And I'm like, tonight's the night, I'm pulling out the Ben and Jerry's and I hurt myself eating ice cream I mean, I'm talking blood Oh, did you bite your freaking lip? I didn't get so excited that I started biting my tongue, and my cheek and my lip and that stuff that I do, I didn't do any of that I ate the whole ice cream, and man, it was so good, and Christy was like

What flavor are you talking about? Tonight Dough Do you only get Tonight Dough? Well, the number one on our taste test By the way, you gotta get that at Target only Yeah, I can't find it So I'm enjoying it, Christy's like how much of that, 'cause I got the pint, how much of that have you eaten? And I showed it to her and it was half gone, I was like, I'm stopping right here halfway, but this is my pint There's another pint of the same stuff in there that y'all can share, and there's some stuff that I don't like that y'all can have, but this is my pint, and I'm eating out of it

One pint for the week? I mean that's not going that hard I also ate out of some of theirs 'Cause when you talk about I'm gonna eat whatever I want, I mean, for me that would be half a pint a night Yeah, I was eating lots of pizza, lots of Mexican food, lots of I gained three pounds Interesting Like I actually did, yeah I weighed

'Cause I'm pretty consistent in my weight, but anyway, so I'm eating ice cream, I'm enjoying it, and when it's done, my mouth, which was very cold, all of a sudden I realized like my lip is hurting, and then I look down and there's like some blood on my freaking Ben and Jerry's Well that's definitely yours I hope it is Don't share that with anybody Yeah

The bloody Ben and Jerry's is dad's And I'm taking the last bite out of my mouth and I'm realizing I'm eating with a knife, I've been eating with a knife this whole time

I have, I think this is worse, I cut my lip with a spoon I was like, I've cut my mouth with the spoon Only Link Neal is capable of this I mean right here on the side of my mouth, it was bleeding A man can cut himself with a spoon

I had cut Gather round, one dollar to see the man who can cut himself with a spoon Not only once

Step right up Two places But how? Well It was a sharp spoon I'll say, yeah it was a sharp spoon The edge of the spoon was sharp Christy was like, oh yes, sometimes you know, spoon goes down in the garbage disposal Gets sharp

And like it'll whack the edge a little bit, and I think that's what happened So when I would pull the spoon out of my mouth, it would slice the edge of like where my lips come together on the left side of my cheek Why are you putting it so far to the side? I'm just getting every last bit of ice cream out And I sliced I heard people could eat with a spoon and you would be the one that would cut yourself with it Two slices, and it wasn't just bleeding a little bit, brother, it was bleeding a lot The mouth has a lot of capillaries I mean, I had to run in there, I mean, I was like, man, am I gonna faint? I'm not gonna faint, I'm not gonna faint

I just grabbed a paper towel, I rolled it up like a cigar and I put it in the edge of my mouth like gauze, and then we finished Survivor We finished Survivor We had to pause it for dad to save himself from the killer spoon Yeah, so, I mean But you could still surf Probably would have had eight if it wasn't for that You could still surf with that bloody mouth A lot more adventures to share, but first, let's sell some merch

I'm actually not wearing the shirt that I want to bring your attention to I don't even know if the shirt that I'm wearing is still available Cotton candy Randy Maybe it is, that's why you gotta go to mythicalcom, but the shirt that I wanna tell you about, that you may have seen me wear elsewhere is the beans shirt

It just says beans on it, it's my favorite shirt It says established, does it say? It says established in 1984, beans were made in 1984 for the first time So there it's been corellated to fiction? It says mythical, it says beans and then I think it says mythical, established 1984 Okay, yeah, it's a cool shirt Yeah, it's just gray with blue lettering, you know? Beans

I like it, I like a good gray shirt Lots of things besides shirts Most of my shirts, if I'm gonna go to a t-shirt, it's gonna be a gray one I mean, I got so many gray things It's just great

But if you have a gray shirt, you can't be the guy that wears gray shorts, 'cause then you just look like you're in a uniform I don't like gray shorts No, I thought about this 'cause I love gray things, and I have gray shoes You've thought about this And I have gray hats, and I have gray

Yeah, and the contrasting shorts Shirts, but I don't have gray shorts Maybe I should switch it up, go gray shorts, black shirt

Nope, mythicalcom, get your beans shirt Well, okay, so I said four, but I wanna talk about some of the, I wanna talk about what I think was the highlight for me, because some good things happened, right? My mouth got better The next morning, when I woke up, my mouth was better Very quickly, because of all the blood flow, that's why it bleeds, that's why it heals

But let me tell ya, I inspected all them spoons before I went back into Yeah, you gotta throw those sharp spoons out, or just put em down the garbage disposal Well, we washed it, I put it back in, I didn't feel good about throwing it away

Put a warning on it Yeah, I feel bad about that now So, another of my expectations, and maybe this sends it up beyond a four, now that I think about it, cause I was kinda just thinking about me, selfishly Again, I had an expectation that the kids would learn how to surf, right? Shepard never has surfed, he's been on the paddle board with me, but he has never surfed by himself, and Locke had been a couple weeks before the vacation, and surfed near San Diego and had a good time But the first couple of times, we just went out with me and Locke and Locke's friend, who's staying with us

Chore boy Yeah, the one who just agrees, he carries everything for us He doesn't, and it was really cool, 'cause first of all, Locke is better than me at regular surfing already That's not saying much Which, by that, I mean his ability to pop up when he catches a wave and actually surf it in, I'm not saying that he's like turning and like all that, but he's an athletic kid, and just immediately just got it and popped up and was riding these waves in and was having an incredible time, and was like motivated to go out with me in the morning

Oh, that's cool So, and that was something that we can do together, which he's like, when are we going again? Like now that we're back at home So that was super cool to see him kinda catch something like that, and then we had one wetsuit that was a little bit too big for Shepard and a little bit too small for Locke's friend and so they would use this, they would share it, so we couldn't go at the same time, and Shepard, speaking of sleeping late, I mean Shepard, that boy would sleep till one o'clock Oh wow I think my older kids can do that

And so Lando's at 10, he will not do that It will change soon

Good So, 'cause I mean, this has been like the last year or so for Shepard, as he's like becoming, he's about to turn 12 But I was like, okay, Shepard, we're gonna go surfing, now I hurt my back on day two, still had not taken Shepard surfing, but the next day, I was like, okay well I can't surf, but I can take you out there, so me and Shepard got up, we go out there, and I got my wetsuit on, and I'm like, I'm just gonna do the things that I've seen other like surf instructors do, which is like, what you said, all right, we're gonna get on shore, we're gonna put the board on the beach, I'm gonna show him how to pop up, right? Okay, he gets that pretty quickly Gonna go out there, they can't really paddle yet enough to kind of get themselves in a wave, so you push them into a wave Yeah

So I go out there and literally like the second wave that he tried, I push him into the wave, he stands up, rides it all the way into the sand Yeah, he's so light, and he's athletic, and he's fearless Yeah, he's not scared of anything But being that light helps a lot Oh yeah, if I could just have started at that age, man

God, start now Learn how to do things, all you 12 year olds listening, no, no, I'm saying, any sport where your distance from said thing that you're supposed to like be on, like surfboards, skis, snowboard Golf? Golf Your distance from the thing The green, you're on the green

Well, no, your distance from the ball is like, the taller you get, trust me, I'm tall, the harder it's gonna get You wanna start early Start short And stay short, start short, stay short Smoke cigarettes and you won't grow

Oh gosh But that was a proud dad moment to like see him, and then to be like, oh, he wants more, he's back out, he's got this huge smile on his face, push him into some more waves And I said, all right, Shepard, you're on your own, man I'm not gonna push you now I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna sit on the beach and I'm gonna watch you

I go in to the beach Maybe take a nap And I'm watching him, and he just catches a wave by himself And then he goes back out, and like, when you're learning how to surf, you kinda start in the white water area Yeah

But the next time he just goes out and he just paddles past that and paddles all the way out with all the other surfers And I'm like, okay, I don't know how this is gonna go He didn't catch any waves while he was out there, but boy, he tried for like half an hour Wow, it's nice when they get motivated, self motivated Yeah, and that's the thing, he's likes to play video games, he's really motivated to do that, but he's done a lot of different things, but he hasn't been like, oh, this is the thing I'm gonna do and I'm super self motivated to do it, so it was really cool to see him do it and again, it was one of those things where it's like, this is really cool, I just watched him learn how to surf, and now he's motivated to do it, and the rest of the week he went out with us, and ended up catching more waves

So while I selfishly wanted to be surfing and learning to surf myself, it was cool to see both of the kids kinda take to it, and now it's something that we can do together, which, sitting out there on the beach, I was like, I'm a dad, and I just did that Well, doesn't sound like you did much, but you did enough That's the thing, you don't really have to do much Yeah, that's the illusion It's actually teaching a kid to surf, versus teaching a kid how to ride a bike, oh, ride a bike, that'll make you wanna kill your kid

Surfing, totally different ball game, super easy Well, it depends, I mean, I took Lando out, I mean, he's more cautious, I'm not gonna say timid, I'll just say cautious, and I say, hey, we're gonna ride this surfboard like a boogie board, we're gonna get you on this thing, get you going, and the first one, I always do this, I got a little Too aggressive

Too aggressive, and I went out too far, and then the wave was a little too big, and I said, stay, you're on the right place on the board, maybe you need to come back a little bit further, then you don't want the nose to dive in And I pushed him on that wave when we got out there, and he just like, it was chaos And then he comes up, and of course, I grab the board, so the board doesn't hit him or something like that and I'm like, all right, let's go back out, and he's immediately going in, but I have the board, and the board Is tethered to him Is tethered to his ankle Right, that's how you catch him And low dad moment for me was continuing to go out Drag his butt out there

I was like, we'll do this differently, it was my fault, well, I screwed up, you know, I got over aggressive and then my response is where I really screwed up, I was like, no, you're not giving up, you're not giving up, and of course he couldn't go, I wasn't dragging him out, I stayed in place, and he realized that he couldn't go in I was like you're not giving up, we're gonna do this together, and he was upset, and he won, and we went back in, and he went and like basically told Christy how big of an asshole I was, and you know what? Totally true, but it was just, I wanted it for him so badly Right That I was doing it for me, not for him And especially when it didn't work out, then I wasn't being sensitive at all, and I feel horrible about it, and so I took a few minutes to process that, and I was like, hey, and I apologized, I looked him in the eyes, and I'm like, I didn't do that right, I want you to try again, but I know you like things to be explained to you so that you can know what to expect and I didn't do that, and so I was like, basically, let's have a do over

And you know what? After a few minutes, he was like Oh the same day? Let's try it So yeah, like 20 minutes later we went back out, and I did it the right way, and by the end of it, he was like maybe I'll try to get up on my knees or something, but it was a positive experience

And it was better than being on a boogie board, cause you go so much further when you're as light as he is I think I had forgotten about that until I just told you, cause that was kind of the low point of the vacation, cause the low point that I remembered was the point where I got angry, that I wasn't referring to that, so I guess there were two of them We pack everything up from the beach, and like I had to take the boards back up, and I'm in charge of the biggest stuff 'cause we gotta go up these long steps up the side of this cliff to get back to the car Right, right And the goal is still everybody pull your weight so that we only have to make one trip

Right And I got the big stuff, and so we get back up there, we get everything loaded in, everybody's pulling their weight, everything's going good Somebody left something We get back home, and I take my sunglasses off at the house, and I'm reaching for my regular glasses, and I'm like, where are my glasses? And I'm saying this to Christy In the Pacific Ocean

I'm like where are my glasses? She was looking at me like why are you asking me where your glasses are? And I'm like, my glasses, I had a speaker, the speaker had a case, cause I didn't have a glasses case, I took the speaker out, 'cause we were playing the speaker on the beach, and I put my glasses in that case And then you guys packed everything up It's their fault So that I could get It's not your fault The big stuff back up there, so did anybody see my glasses? It's like why are you asking me? I'm like, well, because you guys are the ones who packed everything up Right And cause we're back at the house now, we've driven the, I don't know, 10 minutes back or whatever

And so, I'm mad I'm very mad I'm like, I need my glasses to see, I have contacts, I have enough contacts to last the rest of the week, I could just be no glasses man But you need the glasses But who's Link without glasses? It's like, I bought a second pair of my glasses

Well, there you go Identical to my current pair so that if something happened to em, I would have em to be Link Yeah I'm the guy, I'm the one with the glasses Well, don't be so attached to it, I mean, I'm getting older by the second

Right, I mean, I'm the one with the gray hair and glasses You're currently the one with glasses The only one with glasses But those glasses, my back up glasses were stolen two years ago from my car in my own freaking driveway Oh man

Screw you, person who did that They're prescription, you can't use them anyway Yeah, jackass And I never got em replaced because they're expensive Did they steal anything else? Some sunglasses

Christy's sunglasses Those are prescription Not my sunglasses

So, I'm mad, I'm like, they gotta be on the beach, so I go back, I drive back, and I'm just so mad, I'm like this is not vacation And then I had to find a place to park But did anybody say something like, oh yeah, I did not grab that? Well like, he was like here's the speaker, the speaker was in the case, they put the speaker back in the case And the glasses were not So, I was like, they didn't care about my stuff when they were packing it up, I trust my family to care about everybody's stuff when they're packing it up Not just my stuff That's where you were wrong, yeah, you can't trust your family I had to find a place to park, I'm putting on a mask, I'm running down all these steps, trying not to break my neck, I get down there, and the tide comes in so far

All the way to the cliffs All the way to the cliffs? If you leave anything on the beach, yeah, it's gone Well, or almost, I get down there and I run back to the spot, and I'm like, I'm exasperated because the tide's, literally the tide is coming over the place where we had set up No one else was there, and I'm like, I'm looking around, and I look to the right, like looking to the ocean, you're not gonna believe this My glasses were floating away in the ocean

You're joking Yeah, I'm joking My glasses weren't there at all I was so mad They had already been taken

But I had this vision The ocean had taken them? I had a vision that my glasses, that that's what was gonna happen, I was gonna get there just in time, even though so much time had elapsed Your glasses float? Glasses don't float Well some do, the floating ones In the ocean they don't float

They're more buoyant in the ocean I don't, one time I forgot I had on sunglasses and I went back into the ocean 'cause I was hot and I dipped my head totally in the water, and when I came up, it was a lot brighter, and I realized that I had just lost my sunglasses right there, one second ago You'll never find em And I instinctively reached down, gone forever Those are my green sunglasses that people post on Twitter, when I look like I'm like smiling real big like I'm the sun, and I'm wearing those glasses

You can probably get a replacement for those I miss those freaking glasses You know those two little inner tubes that go around the glasses right there, those little donut inner tubes, we should sell those Like wings, like swimming wings, and then they hook the cords which go behind your head, and you're just like a dad golfer You don't even have to do that

Yeah, cause they'll float, let em go But you know what, they do make a thing that is a floaty football sized, football shaped thing for your keys that you could attach to glasses too Like boat keys? Boat keys So, I asked the people, you know, you hate having to ask the people on the beach, hey did you happen to see some glasses? Yeah No, they didn't

I make this walk of shame back up the stairs, I sit in the car, and I'm like, I don't wanna drive home I'm just, I'm so mad at them 'Cause you can't see 'Cause they don't even care Right, can't even see my way home

Well, I had my sunglasses on, they're prescription And then I was like, dang it, I remember taking those glasses and putting them in the case, and then I was like, but I think they were my sunglasses, and I think my regular glasses are in my sunglasses case, right here in the console of the car, and I opened it up And there they were Took out my sunglasses case, and they just laughed in my face I mean, I've never seen glasses laugh at a person, but I felt it, it's like

But that's a beautiful moment when you find a thing that you thought that you lost I mean, you feel stupid for having trekked down to the beach Well, I was so convinced that it was my family who collectively did this, so I came home and told them the same story I told you, except I stopped at the part where I got em out of the ocean Yeah, I was about to say, man, there's no reason they have to know what happened No, I told them the truth, I mean, see that's the thing, it's not about being perfect, it's about being penitent

And I'm glad that Lando responded to that and, I mean, Christy was like, now you need to tell the whole story if you're gonna tell that story Yeah, that always happens when I lose something And I've actually learned at this point to not just immediately try to find a family member, that's one of the great things about having family is that you've got that many more people to blame things on Yeah But, it's always a losing game, you know? It's always a losing game

It's not fun even if it is their fault to blame stuff on people But when you lose stuff, it's almost always your own fault The superpower that Christy has is I've been looking, I've been tracing my steps, I've been thinking so hard, I've been looking for the thing and it's like, oh! And then she's like, here it is You know, what is that superpower? It's just like, and then that trains you to not look, because if she can magically find it well, I'm not gonna waste time looking for something that you can magically find And I'll tell her that

Right, I doubt that it's magic But it doesn't work that way, the magic only works if you've exasperated yourself to the point of exhaustion and frustration It helps if you don't blame anybody, because the magic doesn't work if you blame, if I blame Christy, her magic doesn't work, and if I don't look her magic doesn't work, but if I put in the effort and then I get exasperated and I go to her, oh baby, I need you, baby, I can't find my glasses That's what it takes I know I put em in the wrong place but can you work your magic? Then it'll work

What you wanna do is you wanna enlist the help of your family without blaming them We're talking about bounty, that's the only way my family's gonna get involved, my kids You can have my bloody ice cream if you find my glasses? Yeah, iron, it's higher iron content The other thing that happened to me, speaking of watching television, as you've watched Survivor Still love it

Now, I'm sure you suffer from a similar thing No, don't be sure A lot of people struggle with the whole aspect of not doing, right? So even while on vacation, I'm still thinking about accomplishing something, it might be, oh, you're gonna learn how to surf properly, and I think that going back to the enneagram one and the enneagram three, there's a lot of similarities in the way that we approach things You might want to make sure your vacation goes perfectly, and I might want to Unlock an achievement Accomplish something on my vacation, but they manifest themselves in pretty similar ways a lot of the times, so for me, and this is a common workaholic problem, I feel it's very difficult for me to enjoy a vacation because I feel worthless if I look at a day on vacation and I'm like, you didn't do anything, like you didn't learn how to do anything, you didn't like achieve something Like cause even doing something like having a good time is achieving something If you just sort of laid there, you kinda got up late, and then you watched a lot of television, and then dinner rolled around, and like my wife is really good at just sort of embracing that and enjoying that and being able to just be, and that being something that is fun and enjoyable, whereas I just develop this sense of worthlessness and like I have no value, because again, my tendency is to attach my value to my accomplishments, something that I'm unraveling like a giant knot

Yeah Since I've been in therapy I've had that problem a lot, just with COVID, in terms of work, because we're hamstrung in a lot of ways in terms of what we can do and like what we're working on that leads to stuff Well, and that's another thing that happens to me when I go on vacation Not only am I thinking well you're gonna learn to surf, but I also think that like, oh, you're also going to have this thought about some project that we're working on

You're gonna have a breakthrough, you're gonna come up with a new idea, you're gonna write a song, like, I had this secret hope and because of my personality, many times that's what vacation is filled with It's oh, I wrote two songs, or, you know, it's I came up with an idea, I did this little write up, and I do that in part because that's where I get my self worth, right? So, I mean, it's good if you're trying to be an entertainer, but it's also bad I'll veg out over here, you keep going with that And but it's bad for your own mental health So, but one of the things that I found myself doing, especially after I got hurt is, I talked a lot about how Jesse and I had watched Married at First Sight, talked about that a few podcasts ago

You turned a lot of people onto that, and it's Yeah, you're welcome I don't know, I don't know

And well, you're definitely not gonna know about this, so the thing now, my wife and I, let me say, my wife watches a lot of trashy reality TV, and she has roped me into it, and I fall for it hook, line, and sinker, even if I am trying to resist it And the thing that we ended up getting into, which this is even more popular than Married at First Sight, is we started watching 90 Day Fiance Before the 90 Days And I guess this is the most recent season Now you've seen this guy, Ed, you may not know that he is Ed, but if I showed you a picture of Ed, you'd be like, oh, that's the guy from all the memes over the past couple months Oh, okay

And I can barely say what 90 Day Fiance is 90 Day Fiance is a show about people who are, there's one person who's in the US, and then one person who is in a foreign country, and they are getting married in order for the person to get a green card

Oh, this is the thing that the only, Lincoln was watching Pewdiepie watch one of these Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's super popular So I watched it with him, that's the only way I've seen the show, and Felix watched it, I told you this, he watched the episode segments out of order, and he cared so little that he didn't even, he was like, oh, I'm watching these out of order, the story was out of order, like they got engaged, it was, but which I found hilarious But there's like five different versions of the show, cause there's 90 Day Fiance, but then there's 90 Fiance Before the 90 Days So Before the 90 Days is a different show? So this is them meeting the people who they might have then gotten engaged to and then the 90 Day Fiance is like after they've gotten engaged, and is it gonna work out

So I don't even know how old this is, but it's the same people that I've seen in the memes So it's relatively recent So they shot, they documented them meeting for the first time and dating basically before they got engaged? Yeah But they didn't air any of that, so they had a spin off show because they had so much footage that it was like a prequel? It's absolutely incredible Now, you have to be a certain kind of personality, but based on the popularity of the show, and what I see on the internet, there's a lot of people who fit this personality type that get drawn into this kind of thing

It's the same reason I watch the Bachelor, or anything like that You just can't believe that people are capable of this type of behavior, and you just keep watching it and I know that there's some sort of thing going on that's just like, I feel like by watching these people be themselves, it makes me almost feel, it makes me feel separated and a little bit sane, it's like, I would never do that So it makes you feel good, because you're kind of separating yourself from the actions of these people As opposed to it making you angry and frustrated that they're like making dumb decisions? It makes me angry and frustrated, but I'm more blown away Okay, if you're gonna watch 90 Day Fiance Before the 90 Days, spoiler, I'm gonna spoil some things, so just spoiler alert

Okay, so first of all, there's Ed and there's Rose, all right? And Ed is like this 55 year old dude from San Diego, who has a very, I'll just say his look is very distinct and that's why he's kind of become popular in these memes Okay And then Rose is like a 20 something year old, like 23 years old from the Philippines, and their relationship is bonkers, but very entertaining Are you looking him up? Ed and Rose, Rosemary? Yeah, and Rosemary So, you know that guy

Oh yeah, oh He's in everything, right? And he's like, there's a famous scene where he like sits down next to her in the pool and he's like, you're my, he's like, you're my vision I can't remember what it is, it's just a bunch of memes, cause the things that he says, and then the way that she talks to him, back to him is just phenomenal Now, she's younger than his daughter He's got slick, he's a large man

Yeah With slicked back hair and like he's never clean shaven, and yeah, his head just kinda goes into his shoulders Right, and I think that's why he's got a very distinct physicality that people have locked into

Okay Now, let me tell you about this other guy, okay? Oh, another guy This is the think that kept me, and the freaking TLC producers, they're so good, cause let me just say, each one of these episodes is an hour and 40 minutes long What? I think that's right This is the rejected, this is the prequel footage? I'm watching this on, I think TLC

com, I don't know, Jesse's doing it, there's this on the Apple TV I'm sitting through, there's commercials, I'm watching commercials, there's six commercials in a commercial break Oh, you watch commercials? There's no way, you can't, if you wanna, I guess there's maybe, unless you wanna buy the season on Amazon, I don't know how, I'm just trying to give you a picture of just how much I had succumbed to reality TV I'm watching commercials again, I'm buying things that I'm seeing, you know? A swiffer No you didn't

No, I didn't But you thought about it But it's gone in my brain, I'll tell you that I'm gonna buy it at some point Somebody just heard you say it, and

The ads are working And increase the chances Hey, advertising works, if it doesn't then me and you are gonna be broke

In trouble So let me just, so there was one day where we watched, I don't know how many episodes back to back, but I guaran-damn-tee you it was seven hours of the show I've never watched this much television in one sitting And I was taking breaks and like eating, but I kept coming freaking back, and we didn't even pause it We would go downstairs and do something, it would just keep rolling, cause you don't really have to follow that closely

But the story that I could not escape from Can I ask you something? You can ask me anything you want At hour one I hated myself at minute seven You don't understand, I hated myself the whole time

But did you know you were like, oh, this is happening, we're doing this I actually thought to myself, I told Jesse this like five hours in, I was like, this is, and I'm not making light of this, I was like this is what it feels like to be addicted to drugs Oh gosh Because I was like, you can imagine that like you keep going back to this thing, and you know that it's not good for you, and you don't even really like it, but you can't stop I was like, I have a whole lot of empathy for people who are addicted to drugs right now

I'm addicted to TLC Hold on And I'm about to tell you why Is it because you wanted to find out what happens? Yes Okay

Well, I mean, they got engaged, that's what happens It's before the 90 Days Dude, you don't even, I'm about to blow your mind You know what's going to happen You don't, you don't, especially in one particular case, right? So there's all kinds of things, like there's one woman who is basically being catfished by this dude, and you know, as the viewer, that she's being catfished

You know that this dude's not real, but she's so convinced that, and you can't stop watching someone in their delusion, and it's kinda sad because I know that the producers and everyone knows that this person is in a delusion, and it's like you remember the famous They didn't tell her? There's a famous photograph, from an ethical standpoint, there's multiple photographs of like really difficult things to see, like a child who's starving, or somebody who's been injured, and there's a person who takes a photograph, and there's like this journalistic ethic, which is like I don't intervene, I just observe And then people find out, oh you took this picture, but you didn't help this kid, or whatever? There's a certain aspect to it where you're like, you kinda wanna just be like, you know, hey, this isn't real, but you know that the producers understand letting them live out their delusion is this intensely entertaining thing that you can't stop watching

Now, one particular delusion that is, I think, the key reason I kept going back, there's a dude named, I know we're going a little bit long, but I've gotta tell you this You know what, there is no perfect length Right There's nothing to, you know what? Maybe you don't need to tell the story because you feel like you need to achieve the end of this video No, no, no, you have gotta hear this

So, there's a guy named David, who is from Las Vegas Okay He's in his 50's I believe, maybe, let's just say that He might be 60, I don't know This guy goes to these dating services, online dating services, where it's a site where these Russian women, and I think maybe in this case it was a Ukrainian woman, they're on the site, and you see a picture of them, and you can begin chatting with them

Not video chat, text chat only Okay And you know that, do they basically want to come to America? Well, hold your horses Okay Stay in the Ukraine for a second

So you text chat with this person, who, by the way, does not speak English, and so everything that you're saying is being translated into Ukrainian I guess, and vice versa So there's a language barrier, but it's sort of overcome by this text tool Yeah And you pay by the minute This guy, first of all, it comes to light, that again, spoiler, it comes to light that he's been chatting up lots of women over the years, and that this is basically the extent of his adult relationships, at least for the past 10, 15 years

Oh And this one woman, Lana is her name Now, Lana's not making any of the money that he's paying for the phone call? She gets paid, yeah she is Oh, she gets paid to talk to him? Well, she gets paid by the site Oh

Why would she do it if she's not getting paid? To find a date No, no, no, no, no, no, this is her job, her job is to go on this site and to talk to multitudes of men who want to chat with the pretty blonde Russian lady Oh, oh, okay, so it's like, but it's not just, it doesn't have to be, it's like a, what was that, it's like the sex line Yeah, but you're text chatting But it's not just about the sex, it's just talk

Let me just say a couple of things I thought it was just a dating line, but it's not, it's a service, okay Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's paying half a million dollars Oh gosh Over the course of the years

Okay To chat with these women, and for seven years he's been chatting Now, first of all, he's never seen, he's just seen the picture and then chatted So everyone watching knows that this woman is almost assuredly not the person that he is talking to, right? It's just some dude named Boris, who's talking back to him, right? Could be AI But he is convinced that they are in a relationship

He considers her his girlfriend, because that's what she does on the, she acts as if she's in a relationship with him, right? So for seven years this goes on Now, over the course of this seven years, and this is all before we're seeing it He has been to, I don't know if, again, I know that Ukraine is not Russia I don't know which one he went to, I think maybe he went to the Ukraine, I'll just say that, three times to meet her And every single time he has met her, she's come up with an excuse

Now let me explain He only communicates with her through the service, even when he's going to meet her in the Ukraine And so he'll be like, why can't I just get your number, and she gets mad, and she's like, only through the chat, only through the thing So he's paying her to arrange a meeting with her and every time he goes over there, paying on his own dime, she's not there, cause an excuse comes up My brother died, or what, like she's got all kinds of excuses, and we know, the producers know, the audience knows this guy is in the depths of a delusion

It's sad, but you're like, how far is he gonna go? Because when we're watching the show, he's talking to her and he's like, I'm going back, I'm going back over there and I'm gonna meet her, and this time she's gonna be at this train station or whatever, so you see him go over there This was the first time cameras followed him over? Yeah, but you see him talk, like his friends try to have interventions with him like oh, we're gonna get a shot of you and your two friends at this bar and you're talking and it's like, David, I really think this is a scam, and he's like, I don't believe it's a scam And he has this weird sort of robotic way of approaching it, where he's not gonna listen to reason, right? So other people have tried to intervene Multiple people, his friends, and even a Russian lady Okay, that helps the producers' case a little bit

A Russian lady who was on the services that he met at one time is telling him that this is a scam and he meets her when he goes over there Oh And she since got married to somebody else, and she's out of the game now, but so he goes back over there for a fourth time, of course she doesn't show up He comes back home, and then, you know, a couple hours later, I'm still in the bed, I'm still watching this, he's going back again Why are you doing, I can't believe you're watching this

I'm also following like five other couples at the same time, but I just, this one in particular, I was like, I just don't, how is it possible that he's going there for the fifth time? And then he's like, okay, she's supposed to be there at 11 o'clock, he's still never talked to her through anything but the chat Yup And this very distinct blonde woman Spoiler alert, don't listen to what I'm about to say if you want to enjoy this yourself She's there

What? The woman from the pictures shows up and hugs him And I'm just like, having invested so much time into this, and feeling so worthless, it was like another hit What? It was all of a sudden like ah, this was all worth it What, but hold on, she was an actress? No They just brought in

So many things were going through my mind, I was like, did the TLC producers like find this woman from the pictures and say, hey, will you act like it was you this whole time? Yeah, this will make his day It was her But when they interviewed her, it was very clear that she was continuing to carry on, she wants the money, she wants the gifts from him, and it seems that she wants the ability to come to the US I think, at this point, where I stopped watching the show was the tell all, which was like during COVID, where they're all on video chat Oh wow

So like after the after the 90 Days, she didn't even show up for that And he was like, I haven't spoken to her in six days, I think the engagement, they got engaged They got engaged? And I was just like So she's also maybe an addict too Like whatever he's giving her She's addicted to money, man Okay But it was, I had to follow this story

And that becomes a 90 Day Fiance episode? I guess But it was so, like I don't know what the moral of it is, I mean, for me It's tough

For me it's just like I can't let this happen unless I'm on vacation, right? I feel worthless, I hate myself for doing this, I don't know why I'm so invested in finding out if this woman's real I don't know what's gonna happen with Ed and Rose, I mean, Ed told Rose that she needed to shave her legs and that she had bad breath, and it's like, I don't like the way that he told her that But how's she gonna respond, and then like oh, is what's her name gonna find out that Williams is not a real dude, that she's being catfished? Like you find yourself so invested in this Moral of the story for David though, I think, is if you have a delusion, just follow it to the end of the yellow brick road You're probably right

It may come true Now listen, I'm not shutting this down, cause I got Questions

I'm flooded You should just watch it I'm flooded with memories associated with this, so Hold on, you've been talking to a Ukrainian woman ? I don't care if this goes, you know what, this may be a part two Don't

Let's just blow it open Every time you get so invested in a freaking trash show it becomes an episode I think I need my own podcast where I just talk about reality TV, can we do that? Well, am I not invited? I mean Somebody's gotta tell you you have a problem and that you just can't give in to this See, you need to take a breath No, but if I can make money off of it, then I start to feel like I'm worth something Like if I could take my addiction to TLC and other things like it and turn it into a paying project, then I'll say, oh this, okay, that's good, this makes sense It validates your addiction

Spending seven hours, I mean this is like those people who sit down and watch all three of Lord of the Rings back to back to back, which, I'm just not that kind of person I cannot do that But it's not, because It's not Lord of the Rings Yeah, it's a It's far from it

It's real people that have been just marionetted through producing and editing for you to feel sorry for them or feel better about yourself, all of this psychology it could be troubling But it does remind me when we started producing Commercial Kings So we made the pilot Yeah With Revelly, we worked with Todd, who brought us in and produced that and we had a producer who worked on Survivor actually, shoot, his name is on the tip of my tongue

Fernando Yeah, yeah, yeah Fernando was the one who was, we were filming the pilot episode in the mountains of Asheville, North Carolina, and with Heavy Hill the Trash Man, the garbage collector Yeah And then we had some downtime and we hadn't talked about it ahead of time and all of a sudden, Fernando's like, we wanna set up some OTF interviews

We were like OTF? On the fly interviews It's like you know in like reality competition shows and stuff like that they have confession cams or they'll be talking to a producer And we hadn't thought about this at all Hadn't thought about it at all and he was like it may not be part of the show, but let's just do it And then we made a decision he wanted us to do them individually, we didn't feel good about that, I remember

But we did it I remember he set up a shot of me standing in front of Heavy Hill's shed, in his backyard, where he had his pet mule back there Yeah, I remember this Then you had a little downtime while he interviewed me I remember when he interviewed you I was like watching, I was like, I think he interviewed you first

I was like how's this gonna go? And here we were, we like to be in control It was our show, we were producers on the show too Yeah, executive producers Executive producers, and we were producing the commercial within the show, so it's like we had our hands in all of it Yeah

And it felt a little weird being interviewed by Fernando, who like, in one sense worked for us, but then he was interviewing us, documenting the process of us making these commercials, so like he would throw things at us and we would talk about it, and then they go, and then that ended up being cut into the episode But then when we went to, all of that was a tangent by the way, Oh, you're getting somewhere Well I guess we became, that was where I started to feel like we were actually Employed? No, we were in a reality television show Commercial Kings was the show documenting us making a commercial, but we never thought of it that way We thought of it as we were producing a show that shows how we make the commercials But what Fernando tried to achieve was a level of detachment from how we were gonna be presented And what we're processing at the same time

And let out process and and our point of view not just become editorial but become something that happened on screen And it's difficult when the people that you're doing that with are really self aware And also producing the show Yeah, meaning us, we're pretty self aware We're pretty good at separating ourselves

So it's like when he'd ask us a question, half the time we were thinking, what is the best way to answer this question to be entertaining but also connect the dots so that in the edit room we can tell the best story, and that We would be way better at that now than we were in 2011 Oh yeah, we weren't good at it

No, no But if we were to just let go and trusted Fernando and just answered his questions, Which we would do now Which we would do now Where we understand how to be ourselves Yes

A lot more than we did in the early days Like right now Yeah There's so many times I wish we could go back and do Commercial Kings again And I think that was a part of it

It stuck in our crawl that like we were doing these on the fly interviews And that's the part of the show I don't like watching, I don't like watching those interviews In series though, and this is what I was originally getting to, so it wasn't a tangent, a continuation of my though In series, we worked with a different production company, we worked with Joke Productions Revelly, the company that funded the show and sold it and produced the pilot, they basically said we need to bring in somebody else who does this day in and day out

Yeah Who can do it on a tighter budget Yeah Joke Productions was Joke and Biagio, they were a married couple, and Joke is her name For some reason she's like Belgian or something

Yeah And so Joke doesn't mean funny ha ha over there But it works well, translates well I made all that up, I actually don't know why they called her Joke That's her name

Was that right? Yeah It did mean funny ha ha in Belgium? I don't think so, I think it's just a name Okay, maybe I wasn't joking Sometimes I say things just because they might be cool to say, and then I realize I'm accessing a memory that I didn't know I had Oh, well that's part of life

I remember the first episode we shot with them was Make me a Pro Wrestler That was the name of the business we were doing the commercial for We aired em all out of order The Heavy Hill pilot episode aired somewhere in the middle The Make me a Pro Wrestler didn't turn out, it was a dynamic commercial, it had all that action, but it didn't have a hook and it wasn't

It didn't come together But we learnt how to be wrestlers and you freaking, with your back and everything, suplexed me And it hurt my back, by the way Yeah it did But we tried to get the guy who was called the hobo, right? Yeah, right, his wrestling persona was the hobo, we interviewed them all and we wanted to

Brandon was his name? Yeah And he, I think he's still involved in wrestling at some point He was up until recently because our buddy, Seaver who helped produce

Buddy System Second season of Buddy System, who was one of the writers on Buddy System, we were the show runners, his son had a connection to the world of sort of amateur pro wrestling, and so we kinda kept up and we actually talked about this moment, when we tried to get hobo to Change his persona To the baby And we said, on camera, we thought it would be entertaining, it would be an entertaining beat to mess with these people's personas to make them more marketable, and so on camera, it's like we knew, okay the big moment is when we tell Brandon To shave his head That he needs to shave his head He had really long hair It was his signature for the hobo

And wear a diaper And he was just gonna be a bald man with a diaper and I felt horrible about this because that goes, I mean, in my mind, that goes a step beyond what they're doing on TLC TLC is like I'm gonna let this person flounder in their delusion, and I'm gonna film it for entertainment And all of our commercials

We were trying to manipulate Well, all of our commercials that really took off, it was taking things that were true and things that came out, that we worked out of the woodwork to become all of those commercials You know, like Cullman Liquidation Debt, Epic and Honest Mobile Home Commercial Everything that he says is something that he told us, and then we just scripted it out But then, Joke and Biagio started to try and teach us that it's not, you know, we didn't go with this doccy reality thing, we went with this they made it more reality TV You gotta produce it

We need to have an entertaining beat in Act one You guys make a great commercial, that's Act three, they gotta get hooked in Act one There's gotta be some stakes In Act two, this is a comedy, you gotta say some funny stuff, and so putting these people in these situations where it's like they have to respond to us telling a dude to shave his long hair, and his beard, right? Yeah, everything Yeah, cause he had hair like you do now, and a beard

Maybe he didn't have a beard actually He had long hair though Yeah, it was his hair And the moment on camera when we were trying to get him to shave it and he was getting really close to it, I felt so horrible Yeah, it's was like we were criticizing his creative choice to be the hobo, but also

I still feel like the baby is a better persona And I still feel that honest Well, I think he was hurt a little bit that he was like the hobo, the thing that I've invested myself in isn't good enough and you're asking me too, I've also invested in my hair, I've grown out my hair, and you want me shave it off to be a baby

And the reason why we know this is because they did on the fly interviews where we weren't there where they ask Brandon and then, that's when we found out that he was on the verge of tears talking about how he went home and he talked to him mom Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah There's a lot of us just looking like assholes in this podcast, but you know what, it's the truth We were torn, but Daniel, who was our like I think his title was like Director He came on as a creative consultant, but then he basically became a director Yeah But that's a weird title for reality

It's important though, so it's a part of it I remember Daniel in the corner, sitting on the floor with his knees up on his chest, and literally with his hands in his hair Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was thinking Just almost pulling his hair out, and he was on the verge of tears, and he was like We can't make this We can't do this to this guy, we can't do it, and we were like, you're right And then like Joke, I mean, I love Joke, it's like she was focused on the product and she had the counterpoint, since like guys He's just shaving his head It's his decision to do it It's not the end of the world to wear a wig Yeah, we're not gonna make him do it

He's not going permanently bald And all of this is good television, it was her point of view Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah The fact that this is stressing you out is why people will wanna watch it But we didn't document that

No, we didn't The story that we're telling now is what should have been Commercial Kings Yes I think we should have gone so much more raw, and sincere And that would've been the way to do the show that didn't require this overproduction too

Because our on the fly interviews, the reason why you hate them and I hate them, if you go back and watch Commercial Kings is because we got to the point where we didn't do them on location, we said, we'll just do em when we get back to Los Angeles, when we're editing And we'll know what we need to say to connect the dots and we'll just go out into like a nondescript neighborhood in LA with one cameraman and a producer and then you'll connect the dots Well what happened was it was no longer an interview, it was kinda scripted It was like this is the idea that we need to communicate here Yeah

It was like we've edited it, now you guys need to put this connected shit together You need to say that this guy, once he went home and told his mom, and he was on the verge of tears to shave his head, you need to articulate why you let him off the hook and said you don't have to shave your head, all you've gotta do is wear the diaper Just be the baby for the commercial Yeah, that's what we did Then you can go back to being the hobo

And we would have to say that in the on the fly interview that we shot months later and it just didn't have, it wasn't real So to wrap this up, 10 years later My point is being a producer on this stuff is like, it creates like an identity crisis

No, I think they sleep fine It's a certain type of personality Let me get to what I'm getting to, which is Get to it Well, I've been trying to, which is 10 years later, reality TV and people being portrayed and watching themselves being portrayed, and understanding even if they're not particularly self aware people who understand television production Almost everyone understands the manipulative nature of reality TV now, even the people, maybe especially the people who are on it, right? Yeah, if you watch after the person wins Survivor and then it's like the live show where they're interviewing everybody who competed that season Yeah They'll talk openly about how this is how I was portrayed in the edit

Well, more specifically, with 90 Day Fiance, they're so genius how they figured it out If you had to have told me, hey, so we're gonna do a show called 90 Day Fiance, where you know, there's people getting green cards, whatever, okay, I got it And they were gonna find all these ways to remix this and one of the ways is we're gonna film before the 90 days, use that footage that we were getting as they were establishing their relationship, okay, that's a show And then we're gonna do one where there's a tell all where everyone is on a video chat together and everyone on the video chat has watched all of the episodes of the entire season so now you've got people saying, commenting on the other couples, and like butting in and giving advice about what they should've done, okay, there's another show, I don't even know what it's called, but it's when couples who have been on 90 Day Fiance in previous seasons sit in their bedrooms and watch a current season of 90 Day Fiance, and you're just watching them watch 90 Day Fiance And then there's a podcast where a dude won't shut up about it

No, but what I'm saying is that I feel like culturally we've gotten to a point where everyone understands what they're getting themselves into You know what I'm saying? If you've been chatting for years with somebody and you're being catfished, everyone can't understand to the same No, no, I'm not saying that it's not exploitative in some way, it is, I'm just saying that 10 years have passed and a whole lot has changed about the way people think about the concept of reality TV and the production

Everybody knows that the things that you're watching on Keeping up with the Kardashians are produced scenarios and moments, and we've gotten to a place where we don't care anymore, right? If you're into that kinda thing, you don't care Well, but that's a different, are you into that? That's a different type of reality show, where it's like I don't watch that

Early seasons of Duck Dynasty is the last time I've watched anything that has a point of reference for these are real people that then I can tell that producers have given them a scenario, hey you're gonna do this You knew it and you didn't really care You're gonna go hunting, but here's the problem that you're gonna encounter And you didn't care if they were good at it, if they were good at making it happen I think, ultimately what I'm saying is, I'm kinda making a non point in one sense, because the point that stands is I still feel dirty watching it, right? Regardless of the ethics

I feel dirtier hearing about 90 Day Fiance than like the Kardashians or the Duck Dynasties thing where it's like the storylines are manufactured Well, yeah, but at the same time, these people Are in on it

They decided, I do want to do this I wanna be in this relationship and this is a way for me to actually get a green card or to be, I mean you have to have a legitimate, in quotes, relationship But when you have an addiction, like, first of all, the guy was vindicated That's the weird thing about it, kinda He was kinda vindicated by it

But it seems like, and they didn't know that when they started filming it He needed money to keep paying for the service, you know? Somebody at the door? I think that maybe my wife may be at the door Oh, they're dropping off a piece of furniture I need to go meet them at the door Okay

I got a cramp, I've been sitting here so long See what would be cool is if a piece of furniture was delivered in the middle of the podcast What are Rhett and Link gonna do? You know, Rhett's gonna get up, is he gonna move the furniture himself and hurt his back? Well, let's let him decide, we know he's got a bad back, but let's deliver some furniture and let's see what happens Maybe Link will go out there and say he's gonna move it Or he'll probably just assume that Rhett's gonna ask him to move it or whatever because he has a bad back

It's his fault if he decides to move the furniture himself and his back gets thrown out, there better be cameras there There's three in here There's not one out there We're blowing our opportunity for a reality TV moment It's like here, go, go out there

That's where the action is Oh yeah, it's a table, it's an outdoor table Let me call my wife and ask her This is reality right here Did the guy, was he planning on assembling it, or did you talk him into it with a Lacroix? He's assembling it and he has Lacroixs

Good job Can I leave my mask on? Look, this whole setup looks good Everything, oh the mask really changes the sound, doesn't it? Yeah, it's a bit muffled So where does that leave us? We're, we don't want that right there Well, okay, so you're back, there's a guy in there, he's assembling the table

I'm out of breath Did you move the table? I just moved Did you assemble anything? This is why, this is the thing that I didn't anticipate about COVID is what's happening with my beard right now When I wear a mask I mean, mask beard is a real thing

All right, it's fine We should land this reality TV ship If we wanna keep it in the context of the vacation, to me, it added to my feeling of worthlessness, but it was the only thing that I could really do, because you can't really go anywhere My back was hurt You could watch other shows

You could read a book I did that as well Apparently there's enough time to do that and watch seven hours straight of 90 Day Fiance Wow, I mean, when it was over, did you tally it up and say, we just watched seven hours? I think, here's the thing, me and you married dudes, who run a business, and have a lot of stuff that we're doing A lot of people do this on the reg

And so we think that the idea of sitting down and watching, but I mean, I talk to some of the folks, some of the single folks that work for us, and they're like oh, yeah, I binged so and so over the weekend Like they watch a whole season of television over a weekend I've never done that And they don't feel worthless And I didn't even get to the bottom of this one

What do you mean? There's more of it Oh But I'm saying some people are like, oh, yeah I watched the whole Now that you're back home, are you going back in? No, no, no, no, no Okay, okay, that's a boundary That's good, I wanna hear you say it I'm not, well, Jesse and I have a window of time, sometimes during the week, between like nine and 10 o'clock where we'll watch television together I don't really watch it past like, maybe 10:30 is like the latest, right? I think anything

10:00 PM can easily turn into 05:00 AM Anything goes in that window, and I would say that, I would technically allow 90 Day Fiance to go in that window because there's very little, like I fall asleep, I'm not gonna watch it past 10:30 cause I'll fall asleep Stakes are low for sleeping

But I do think that I'd rather watch something that is a little bit more plot driven than, save that as a nice treat, it's just like, I also had ice cream myself I had ice cream twice Spoon? Yeah, I didn't cut myself or anything Yeah But, I ate ice cream twice during the week

I don't eat ice cream outside of our show Yeah, I set a boundary So it's kinda like I had some junk food, I had some junk TV, I feel okay about myself I'm trying to be okay with it So don't make me feel bad about it

I felt horrible in the moment, but damn, that story, does this woman exist? She does exist, what? This is freaking nuts, I still think it's nuts And so where is it right now? They're engaged? I think that the last thing is that they were engaged, but I think that she's packed out Okay Or she is MIA for now Wow

So that was our vacation Except 30 minutes to talk about 90 Day Fiance I could talk about it forever It seems that you could I got other things from my vacation I could talk about

You know, if you can watch for seven hours, two lifelong friends talking for a long time We're gonna make that tagline true, that's what happens when you make a tagline We got anywhere to be? You fulfill it And there's other meetings I think there's one that's starting maybe even now

Oh snap Well, you've gotta give your recommendation Rec baby, rec baby, one, two, three, four So okay, I'm gonna recommend something that incidentally you're the one who took it on vacation and I only knew about it because Shepard was like, I think Shepard went to your house, or I can't remember what it was, but Shepard comes back talking about how you were really excited about something He's like Link's really excited about, he's buying bidets

Yeah And I'm like buying bidets, and he was like yeah, a portable bidet And I was like, oh, a portable bidet I think it came in the mail when he was there That is genius

Yep, I am So I hear about you getting this thing, and I'm like Genius

You know, I go on vacation, and I'm sitting there with a regular American toilet, I feel like a barbarian, you know, just wiping my butt with paper, doing who knows what to my rectum long term You might as well be wrapping your cheeks around a tree Yeah It's still gross Just taking a sapling and just squatting up and down

A roughed bark sapling, a pine tree And I was like, man, I gotta get me one of these, and then I go on Amazon, and it's like 10 bucks you can get a little squeezy thing Oh, I paid more for mine Well, mine did the job, I tested it yesterday I got mine in my freaking backpack now because I don't have anything here

Mine accordions shut and goes in a bag Mine goes in a bag but it doesn't accordion Mine accordions out and it makes it where you can really squeeze it Does it play music at the same time? It plays music All I know is I recommend this

Now, first of all, we recommend bidets in general, cause we have been talking about that And, you know what? I'm beginning to notice that the idea of a bidet is catching on in America It is, because of us I saw, it's a cultural movement, we just happen to be part of it It's a movement

We're part of a movement There was an Instagram ad and it was just a little kid talking about how ridiculous it was to wipe your butt with toilet paper, and it was like What's the ad for? A bidet

Okay, I saw an ad on Instagram for tooshie Yeah, dude It's a bidet, here's the thing, here's what I thought You people are resisting this It's happening

Your booty is gonna be getting sprinkled really soon It will happen It's happening, cause it's better Everybody who does it loves to gush about it, no pun intended Wow, that's good

I was on Instagram That should be their tagline for it I was on Instagram, I saw an ad for tooshie, which was an add on to your toilet that's a bidet That should be a sponsor And they're not a sponsor, but they should be a sponsor

Well, let's make that happen And I was prepping for my vacation, I see this ad, and I say, you know what? All you gotta do is take the lid off the toilet, put it down, put the lid back on and then hook it up to the water supply under the toilet, it's not like, we both have fancy toilets Yup That do so much more, but I was like, I'm gonna buy one of these right now and I'm gonna take it with me on vacation That's a good instinct

So what I did, I bought a bidet Or a good in-stink And when I tried to hook it up at home, downstairs so that Did you request permission from your AirBnB host? No, I didn't I'm going to put a bidet on one of your toilets, but then I'm gonna take it with me I'm gonna leave no trace, like a good camper But I was hooking it up at home and I was missing a piece with my type of toilet, so I had to order that piece, it didn't come in time, so I did not take the tooshie on my vacation You took the accordion

But when I was buying the tooshie, there was an add on for an extra 20 bucks, you can get the accordion portable, and I was like, this is genius Yeah I'm genius Everybody should have one I'm gonna buy this, so I bought that and I took that with me and boy, I filled that thing up and I would squeeze it so hard

You've really gotta squeeze It doesn't give me, I want the pressure that I get Yeah, you can't replicate the pressure I jack it up, I jack that pressure all the way Yeah, you can't replicate the pressure

I can feel it in my throat Oh gosh But the bottom line is That's clean Is maybe a good cheap way So clean you feel it in your throat

I don't think that the portable bidet Not a sponsor The portable bidet is not a good way to introduce yourself to the world of bidets, because you'll be like this doesn't feel, it's not powerful

You need a real bidet, but get like, yeah, get the tooshie How much is the one that's just the add on? I didn't even look at the price It's so good you won't even care Oh, the main camera just went to sleep, so we're gonna finish up this episode in the singles In the singles

We talk so long we ran the battery out of this thing Man, we had some good vacations, man Yeah, we did Even if they were bad, they're good now, because we talked about it so much We got two podcasts out of this

You know how I always want us, well we can split this up No, don't split things, cause then it's too short You know what, this is a bonus for you The way that you Americans just look down your noses at the idea of bidets and you ask like stupid questions like so do you get wet? Yes, you get wet, you get clean, you taken a freaking shower before? It's like a shower for your butthole, it's not that hard to understand You still wipe

Yes First, then you bidet to get totally clean and then, if you don't have a drier on your bidet, then you dab a little bit more Yeah But you do an initial wipe to make sure that you're not dealing with too much Yeah, right now we're first in COVID and last in bidets

Let's reverse that Come on America Yeah Do something smart for once I can't recommend the tooshie

Enough Appliance yet, because A, they're not paying me, and I want you to pay me, tooshie Yeah, yeah, tooshie

I want you to pay him too, cause I get 50 percent I need to test it out, and I haven't done it, I just got the piece yesterday that hooks up to my water supply, so the jury's still out on the tooshie, but it looks cool You can have different color knobs and I'll let you know if it, in my rec, if it works This was not a rec, this was rectum This is not a recommendation, this a rectum and effectum

All right hashtag earbiscuits, we'll talk at you next week Dang, that was a marathon It was fun To watch more Earbiscuits, click on the playlist on the right To watch the previous episode of Earbiscuits, click on the playlist to the left

And don't forget to click on the circular icon to subscribe If you prefer to listen to this podcast, it's available on all your favorite podcast platforms Thanks for being your mythical best

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